The fragility of self belief as a publisher, as a writer, as a human being

I’m proud of my books.  I put a lot of myself into them and edited them.  Edited them HARD.  That takes balls.  I’m pleased with the reception the Saving Time has had.  I’ve had good reviews from people I trust and I’m proud of it.  That takes a lot.  For a writer to be proud of their own work really does take a lot.

This time of year I struggle, it’s not a secret that this close to the anniversary of Dean’s suicide I’m heartbroken.  This year I’ve been on my own for that time.  I’m emotionally all over the place for most of February.

I’m happy today because I landed a new functional skills tutoring job.  I worked hard for that too.  I’m proud.  And after earning south of 6k for a couple of years it’s going to be a nice boost to the coffers.  I went to the pub to celebrate.

A  neighbor with no mortgage, healthy savings and long term employment said “I wish I could have a bit of this good luck!”  I smiled.  What else do you do in that circumstance?  I’ve applied for over 300 jobs in the last year.  I’m so lucky to get one of them.  I’m so so lucky. About 20 minuets later, apropos of nothing he chimes in:  “Your book? what’s it called?  I can’t remember the name…”  nice “It doesn’t end very well.”  Cliff hanger, dick head.  and if he’d read it properly he’d know that Tag has to be ok because the very beginning of the book talks about the future of the children when they grow up.  “And… what’s’is name?.. Guy in the cave?  he’s just a phantom from no where.  that’s poor narrative…” Again, this man hasn’t actually read it properly.  Because he doesn’t.  He just decided to put me down.  I wonder what’s wrong with his brain?

I know that I don’t know what else is happening in other people’s lives.  He might need to make me feel like shit in order to validate his own sad life in which he does’t outwardly seem to be struggling socially, emotionally, medically, personally or financially.  But i don’t know.  He might be fucked.

Here’s the thing, though, I’ve had good reviews from people who’s opinion I care about:(

It’s just unnecessary and hurtful, but because he has never done anything creative for other people to tear down in a moment of weakness he will never know the pain it causes.

Saving Time is available here  and here


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